| the family aspect which I wish to consider next - the personal relationships within the group. In this section I shall use the word ‘family’ to mean close kin group, especially where it is not quite co-extensive with the household. The central relationship in any family unit is the union of a man and women for the purposes of procreation. I have already said a certain amount about this relationship in the village. The husband, without any question, has the authority in the house. Rarely, a woman, by the strength of her personality, or by her direct ownership of a good share of the household land, may be able to influence her husband. Niyazi (BT), for instance, was a man so lacking in sense and initiative that his mother and wife had a considerable influence over household affairs. Mustafa (BA 1), most of whose land had come to him through his wife, also seems to have taken notice of her views. But normally the man makes all the decisions; all major purchases and sales, the time and place of sowing, the kind of crop to be sown, the marriage of his children, any expedition to the doctor, for example, depend entirely on his decision. This relationship normally begins under the boy’s father’s roof. If the pair are cousins, or co-villagers, they may know a certain amount about each other in advance, though even in this case they will probably have had little to do with each other during adolescence. Often they are strangers to each other, sometimes complete strangers. Both are young, and, as far as the girl is concerned, she is not only entering on marriage, but is transplanted from the familiar and secure environment in which she has been brought up, to live in close intimacy with a whole set of strangers. Sex in the village is not a subject easily or readily discussed, but rather something, as in England, to be sniggered about, and I was not able to discuss with new grooms their sexual relationship with their brides. Slowly, with the birth of children and the death of the old people, the couple may grow in mutual affection and in status. The woman ceases to be a stranger and becomes, in time, the central woman of the household, with growing daughters around her, and her own “gelinler”. Although in most cases a girl comes to her husband as to a complete stranger, her loyalty later, if slowly, shifts to her husband’s house. In the quarrel between Abdurrahman, the son of Mehmet (T 1), and Melik (CS 2) (1) the women of the households were much to the fore; in fact, it was a physical assault upon her own daughter, Melik’s eldest son’s wife, by Mehmet’s old wife, that set the ball rolling. The first woman, Melik’s eldest “gelin”, was a sister of Abdurrahman, but her loyalty was firmly on Melik’s side, on the side, that is, of her conjugal against her natal household. In the same quarrel, Haci Ahmet (SA 2)’s wife, sister to Ali (CS 1), arrived and joined in vigorously also on |
| Melik’s side, thus showing loyalty to her natal household in a quarrel in which her conjugal household was not involved. Although one instance is little to go on, my firm impression is that a woman who has had children and is of some years standing would side with her conjugal rather than with her natal household, if the two should quarrel. The success of adjustment to her husband’s home would be the main factor governing her choice. It would not, however, be a question of “kabile” loyalty, but of personal attachment - or the lack of it - to her husband and his immediate family. Depth of affection between married partners is both impossible to describe or to assess in any precise way. In some marriages within our knowledge, the pair were obviously deeply attached. In one case a young man had not only faced the hardship of premature separation from his father for the sake of his wife, but refused to alleviate his landless poverty by going away to town to work. “One more child”, his wife said, “will mean hunger for us all, but it is very hard, we love each other very much”. Bilal, on one occasion, quarrelled with his wife, and struck her. For a day or two they were not on speaking terms - she continued with her household duties, but refused to talk to her husband. Then he developed a serious trouble in one eye, and, without saying anything to her, went off to the doctor, who kept him two days for treatment. Nazife, his wife, then became deeply concerned and was talking continuously about how badly she had treated him, and by the time he returned they were both ready for a reconciliation. On another occasion, when Bilal was out, she gave me a list of his virtues, adding that he was the best husband in the village. Close observation of the couple over a matter of months convinced me that she was sincere, and that her affection was reciprocated. On the other hand, women often said to my wife, in discussing marriage - “here, we don’t love our husbands”. Successful marriage is no sort of social ideal in the village. I never heard a man express publically either praise or blame, affection for or dislike of his wife, except to say, in answer to a direct question, that she was satisfactory. If a wife dies, or is infertile, or simply unable to work, a man will take another. If he can afford it, he will keep both. When a woman falls ill, her husband will take her to the doctor only if the illness is acute enough to prevent her working. The loss of a wife is a serious economic blow, and it is this aspect which is emphasised when a women is in danger of death. To sum up - a man does not speak of his wife in terms of personal attachment or tenderness, nor look for, nor praise such qualities in the marriages of other people. |
| 2. | Polygamy |
| In Sakaltutan there were only four cases of bigamy among over 100 households. In each of these cases, there had been good reason for taking the second wife. Two men had inherited wives, a good deal older than themselves, from uncles, and when these wives reached middle age, not unnaturally, they took young wives. In the other two cases, the first wife, after one birth, failed to produce any more children. In one case the first child had died. One of these four men, old Abdil (AM), was no longer seriously concerned with his wives, and the two inherited wives were much older than their husbands and longer had sexual relations with them. On Ibrahim (SI 5), the plumber, had two young wives, and only he treated his two wives equally and gave them a room each. The old man Abdil and his son had only one living room between them, though the old women were said to go to the old man in the oda where he slept at night, in turn. In that the husbands, even before the older wives renounced their rights, provided separate rooms for them, which they should have done, according to Islamic Law. There were also in the village three old widows who had been co-wives of the same man. Two of them were already widows when they had married him, and seem to have continued to live in their own houses, separately, after their marriage to him. I will return to the relations between co-wives under the subject of women within the household. From the husband’s point of view, exact equality of treatment is the expressed rule, but the examples are too few to estimate how this rule works out in practice. |
| 3. | Cross sex relationships |
| Mother-son | Every woman desires above all things the birth of a son. The |
| birth of a daughter is a cause of condolence, that of a son a cause for congratulation. For the new bride, her whole position in her husband’s household depends on the birth of a son. He is a guarantee of her stake in the conjugal household. As she grows older, a mother looks to her sons for protection, and an old woman with adult sons is never without a home. A man respects his mother, but does not hesitate to order her about. A widow living with her son is not in any sense head of the household. The close ties between a man and his mother are brought out in contrast with the relationship between a man and his step-mother. Step-sons often separate from their father’s house soon after their marriage, because, in the conflict between mother-in-law and “gelin” which may occur, the young man may take his wife’s part - a thing, the villagers say, he would never do if the mother-in- law were his true mother. One old woman was an exception to this rule, for |
| she had been driven out of the house by her own son’s wife - but her son was a dim and weak young man, and evidently unable to control his women. One the other hand, one old woman in the village lived with her stepson, although his own mother was alive and living with an elder son. In general, and with some hesitation, I would say that the relation between mother and son is more important for a woman than any other personal tie, especially when, after her menopause, her husband’s interest in her declines. Father-daughter By contract, a girl’s ties with her father are stronger in her early years. He provides for her, disciplines her, and looks after her, and I have often seen fathers showing pride in and affection for her daughters. But both because his daughter will leave his household, and because it is his wife’s, and not his duty to train the girl in her vocation of mother and housewife, his interest in her is much less than in his sons. At her marriage, he provides for her according to his means, and weeps when the time of parting comes. But he is not greatly influenced in his decision by considerations for the girl’s welfare. On one occasion, a girl was refused to a middle-aged man. In a discussion of the motives of the father on this occasion, it was clear that he was concerned, not about the girl’s lot as wife of a man much her senior, but about the fact that the potential husband already had sons by a first wife, who would thus take precedence over any the girl might have. She could not, under these circumstances, provide the first male child in the house. A married girl still looks to her father for protection if she considers herself maltreated in her husband’s household. Her only resource, indeed, in the case of maltreatment after marriage is to fly to her father’s or brother’s house. If her father chooses to take her part, there is nothing the husband can do to get her back, and he has no claim on a return of the bride price, though the girl is likely to leave behind her all the trousseau except her jewellery, if any, and her clothes. If her father sends her back to her husband, she had no means of escape other than to go off of her own accord to another husband, thus losing her reputation. In practice I heard only of one or two doubtful cases of this move being played in all my enquiries. Escape from a husband depends on the help of the wife’s father, or, on his death, of her brother. Brother-sister This relationship follows the lines of the others which I have outlined. Small siblings play with each other, and small girls act as nursemaids to their small brothers. Quite young, however, one sees sexually segregation play groups, and little boys with their fathers and little girls with their mothers. An elder sibling is never addressed by name but by a special term - “agabey”, translatable as elder brother, and “abla” elder sister. These |
| terms are universal all over Turkey, including the towns. They are terms of respect. In practice a small boy is not likely to have much to do with sisters who are greatly senior to him, since they will have married out before he is old enough to form any close and lasting attachment. although an elder sister is respectfully addressed, and though, being often in charge of her younger brothers, she has to exercise authority over them, as soon as a boy begins to grow up he asserts his masculine pre-eminence. Thus, I saw Bilal’s small son of about eight order his fifteen year old sister to wait on him, without provoking any protest either on her part or on that of her parents, both of whom were present. Later in life, the brother or brothers succeed a girl’s father in the role of protector and refuse. But, barring an early death of the father, by the time the brothers have taken over this duty their sister is usually well settled in her husband’s household, with children to reinforce her position. |
| 4. | Women Together |
| The women of one household are forced to work together in very close collaboration. Even in the moderately well to do houses, where the incoming wives have each their own room, the ev - that is, the communal eating and cooking place - is the scene of their joint daily life. They cannot readily get away from each other. Almost all girls and women are addressed by their equals or superiors of either sex as “kiz” - literally “girl”, with or without their name. Only the senior partner, mother, mother’s sister, elder sister, is addressed by a special term, that is, only relationship terms which are terms of respect are used as terms of address. Mother-Daughter Although a son is much to be preferred, girl children are no less loved and cared for by their mothers. A small girl, as she grows up, keeps with her mother and the other women of the household, and learns from them the feminine skills. One sees tiny girls, with toy buckets made out of old tins by their fathers, going to fetch water from the well, perhaps the most typically feminine job because it is the most public. A woman is assisted by her daughters in all the daily household tasks, and they grow deeply attached. At a girl’s wedding, her mother weeps profusely, and all our evidence suggests that the grief is genuine and profound. One woman told us that each time a daughter of hers had married, she had been ill with grief, and had had to take to her bed. Once married, a girl thinks of visits home as visits to her mother. A young woman thinks of her mother as the person dearest to her |